Love letter from an accountant

Jay a graduate of Accounting, wrote a letter to his Girl Friend Char

Love letter from an Accountant

In the Journal of my heart,

I have written a Journal Entry,

Debiting my love & crediting my affection,

Now partners,

I write this Narration

Your beauty is the Capital of our business,

And your eyes are Stock In Trade,

Now let us enter into a Transaction,

Without providing Depreciation

Your first love I have already indicated On the Ledger Folio column,

Any way, our relations are based on Double Entry System

Our love is Real & Tangible proposals, Which can be realized,

Interest on the same, Can be capitalized

Partner, you are like a Contra Entry,

You are on my Debit Side & Credit Side, Both at the same time,

And so my partner now ,let us Rectify,

All our errors & total the Trial Balance, Of our affairs & emotions,

Without maintaining any Suspense Account

And any difference in the Trial Balance,

And In the Balance Sheet of our life.

Our children will be Assets & Liabilities,

If they are boys, shall we call them Sundry Debtors?

If they are girls, shall we call them Sundry Creditors

But if we have a boy & a girl,

Our Balance Sheet will Tally automatically,

A balance Sheet

And the Auditor will certify thus

"THE ACCOUNT SHOWS A TRUE & FAIR VIEW OF LOVELY BUSINESS CONDUCTED DURING Smith & Linda’s life Account"

Your dying Accountant in love

I like your thinking

A teacher asks her class, "If there are five birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?" 

She calls on little Johnny.

"None, they all fly away with the first gunshot."

The teacher replies, "The correct answer is four, but I like your thinking." 

Then Little Johnny says, "I have a question for YOU. There are three women sitting on a bench having ice cream. One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?"

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replies, "Well I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."

"The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on... but I like your thinking."

Grandma is driving

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a
thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper..

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the
light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those
loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him
yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window
and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that
they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the
Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord
for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love,

Grandma

PSYCHOLOGY ... and ... LAW!

A guy asked a girl in a library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you ?”

The girl replied with a loud voice:

"I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU !"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy, he was embarrassed.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said: 

"I study psychology and I know what a man is thinking, I guess you felt embarrassed, right ?"

The guy responded with a loud voice :
$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S TOO MUCH !

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ears;
"I study Law and I know how to make someone feel guilty.” :P

A Golden Love Story

A little old couple walked slowly into a fast food chain one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of  french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.

Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were saying. - "They were used to sharing everything."

Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady still hadn't eaten a thing.

She just sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.

A young man came over and begged them to let him buy them another meal.

The lady explained that no, they were used to sharing.

As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked again.

After being politely refused again, he finally asked the little old lady, "Ma'am, why aren't you eating. You said that you share everything.

What is it that you are waiting for?"

She answered,

"THE TEETH"

Pinoy Jokes: Ang Libro

Isang gabi may lalaking nasiraan ng kotse sa isang liblib na bayan.

Sa tapat ng sementeryo may puno ng balete.

May lumapit na matandang babae may ibinibentang isang libro sa halagang 2,000php..

Namamahalan sya pero napilitan nyang bilhin sa takot.

sabi ng matanda,
"WAG MONG TITIGNAN ANG HULING PAHINA KUNDI MAGSISISI KA"

Tapos nawala ang matanda!

Umandar ang kotse.

Sa bahay di sya makatulog.

Kinuha ang libro, at tiningnan ang huling pahina.

nakasulat:

NATIONAL BOOKSTORE

P39.50 only :-D

Defective Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch.

It doesn't have any feet or legs.

The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy crap," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly intelligent thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow," says the guy. " You really can understand and speak English can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford that."

"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
     
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the UPS man delivered  a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"

"Yes.  Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over ...."

Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!"

If this doesn't make you laugh, you're having a really bad day...

Filipino Joke: Zipper

sa isang jeep,
may lalaki at babaeng magkasakay,

di alam ng lalaki,
na bukas ang
ZIPPER nya,

paformal na sinabi ng
babae sa lalaki, na bukas ang zipper nya:

"sir, bukas po ang gate
ng city hall nyo!"

pasimpleng isinara ng lalaki ang zipper nya
at sinabi sa babae:

"eh, ineng, nakita mo bang dumungaw
si mayor?"

pangiting sagot
ng babae

"hinde po, pero lumabas
po yung dalawang matandang konsehal!"

==================================================

ITAY: Bakit may pasa ka anak?

BOY: Nakipag-away po ako

ITAY: Astig! Sino kaaway mo?

BOY: Yung gagong lalaki po dyan sa labas.

ITAY: Tara, resbakan natin.

BOY: Wag na po itay, nakipag-break na ako sa kanya! I HATE HIM SO MUCH! I HATE HIM!!

Panatang Maka-alak

iniibig ko ang __________________
ito ang inumin ng aking TROPA
ito ang umaalis ng aking lumbay
ako'y kanyang nilalasing 
ngunit tinutulungan 
upang maging malakas, maangas at mataas ang karakas..
bilang ganti diringgin ko lagi 
ang anyaya ng aking mga kainuman
susundin ko at pupuntahan kung saan ang tagayan
tutuparin ko ang tungkulin na walang sukahan, 
tatapusin ko ang inuman 
at di uuwi habang ang bote'y meron pang laman!

Life's Statistics

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

_____________________________

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next."

They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


SEND THIS TO A SMART WOMAN WHO NEEDS A LAUGH AND TO THE SMART GUYS YOU KNOW CAN HANDLE IT

The Embassy

The US Embassy in the Philippines

This is a true story taken from one of the most read newspapers in the Philippines.

A 70-year old 'lolo' from the province was accompanied by a grandson to the US Embassy in Manila for his VISA interview.

The lolo spoke not a word of English so the grandson translated for him.

The Consul told the young man to ask his grandfather why he wanted to go to the States.

"Bakit daw ho ninyo gustong pumunta sa Amerika?"

The grandson translated

"Sabihin mo gusto kong makita yung mga anak ko doon."

"He said he wants to see his children there."

Fair enough, that's what the lolo's application indicated.

The Consul had another question. "Ask him why does he have to go there? Why can't his children just come and visit him here?"

The grandson translated this in Tagalog.

Lolo replied: "Sabihin mo kasi dito pinanganak yung mga anak ko. Nakita na nila ang Pilipinas. Gusto ko namang makita ang Amerika bago ako mamatay."

(Translation: "Tell him, my children were born here. They've seen the Philippines already. I just want to see America before I die.")

The HEARTLESS Consul was unimpressed as he declared, devoid of any emotion, that he was rejecting the visa application "because the applicant was unable to speak any word of English."

"Reject daw yung visa ninyo kasi hindi daw kayo marunong mag-Ingles."

The lolo was equally unimpressed. "Sabihin mo ito sa kanya at huwag na huwag mong papalitan ang sasabihin ko: "Putang ina niya, bakit siya nandidito eh hindi naman siya marunong mag-Tagalog!?"

Translated, "He said: You son of a bitch, how come you are here... you do not know how to speak in Tagalog!?"

Taken aback, sense of humor still intact, the consul relented and approved lolo's visa application in pronto.

(Taken from The Philippine Star (a newspaper in the Philippines), written by Boo Chanco)

Go LoLo...mabuhay ang Pinoy!!!